The Antifa Tourist Guide to Chattanooga
According to the political rumor mill, or at least if Joe Carr’s Facebook page is to be believed, the Antifa scumbags are threatening to come to Chattanooga today. The Alt-left internet was abuzz with suggestions for the anarchists to arm themselves and “bring your guns” to Chattanooga:
So learning from the debacle in Charlottesville last weekend, we offer the following suggestions to the Antifa creeps, er, visitors to help make their visit to Chattanooga safer and more memorable.
But first, a note to the White Supremacists: Don’t come to Chattanooga. Byron de la Beckwith is not receiving visitors (he’s dead). And besides, we don’t like you any more than we liked him.
So without further adieu (and in ascending order), here is the
Antifa Visitors Guide to:
14. Here are two Chattanooga icons, Little Debbie and Little Bob Corker. One is a useless confection full of questionable ingredients that is bad for your well-being. The other is a snack cake.
13. Watch the movie “Deliverance” before you come. If you hear banjo music – run. If the hillbillies in the movie don’t bother you, you might want to demand they buy you dinner first, then practice how to “squeal like a pig.”
12. If all the liberals in the U.S. who own guns send them to the Antifa, they will still be out-gunned by one average-size neighborhood in Hixson.
11. If you hear the term “double-wide” know that it is name of a building where people live and not an attempt to fat-shame Rosie O’Donnell.
- Missionary Ridge is the site of a famous Civil War battle and is not a sexual position.
9. Nearby is the historic Trail of Tears. It was created by the co-founder of the Democrat party, Andrew Jackson – best known for being a slave master as well as leading the largest single act of genocide against Native Americans. Walk tall and proud, Democrats. Make sure to bring your pussy hats to lay at the numerous unmarked burial sites along the Trail.
8. Fairyland Country Club on Lookout Mountain: It’s not what you think it is.
7. “Red Bank” is not a segregated financial institution that trades primarily in wampum, nor does it cater only to Communists. It is actually a very nice community west of downtown.
6. When you are in Chattanooga, you are within walking distance of both ALABAMA and GEORGIA. You have been warned. Management is not responsible for anything that happens to you if you get lost and wander across the border.
5. If you see a large cross on top of a building or alongside a road, it is not a sign for a Klan rally being held there that evening.
4. If someone says: “Hold my beer.” Don’t.
3. If somebody says “Hey, y’all – watch this!” it probably means something bad is about to happen. Probably to you.
2. If you see a pick-up truck with a gun rack with no guns in it, call the authorities. It’s likely an indication that some sumbitch is slackin’.
And the NUMBER ONE Antifa tourism suggestion for visiting Chattanooga:
#1. If you see a snake, don’t pick it up. It’s probably on its way to church and besides – doing so would be cultural appropriation.
Enjoy your stay. Then get the hell out of town.