So we finally got around to opening our famous Rocky Top Tip Line email box (firstname.lastname@example.org). On impulse, we checked our “spam” folder and look at what we found: our very own letter from congressional candidate Grant Everett Starrett (full text at bottom of page). Seems Grant was a mite offended at RTP’s article last month called “Who the heck is Grant Starrett” and tried to offer a response. We say “tried” because, as our young California friend will soon learn George Bernard Shaw was right: “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.”
So in that spirit, we have offered our line-by-line analysis of the Starrett letter for our readers’ education and elucidation, along with the requisit references to pork and barbeque.
To this, we say: “Oink.”
Letter from Grant Starrett to RTP:
Dear esteemed editor,
(RTP: Don’t try to be cute with the lower case punctuation, kid — e.e. cummings, you’re not).
As a regular reader of Rocky Top, I was amused to see myself as your latest feature, and wanted to reach out to you to help answer the question, “Who the heck is Grant Starrett?”
It’s true, I did grow up in Ronald Reagan’s neighborhood of Pacific Palisades.
(RTP: Yeah, and one of the RTP crew was born in Charlottesville, but that doesn’t make her Thomas Jefferson. Didn’t O.J. Simpson also used to live in Pacific Palisades?)
But I was that kid who was subscribing to the National Review in elementary school
(RTP: Ew-w-w. You were THAT kid?)
and I never much liked California.
(RTP: Really? With all your parents’ money you could have gone to college anywhere, but you chose to stay in California. Sounds to us like you liked it just fine.)
I’ve spent all my life trying to talk about conservative values,
(RTP: Talkin’ ain’t doin’ Grant, and that is a big part of your problem, especially since you are a new arrival in Tennessee.)
stretching from founding a newsletter in high school,
(RTP: What, your father bought you a school newspaper? Care to submit a sample of your work? We’re curious to know if Danny ever hooked up with Sandy their senior year, or did Rizzo break them up?)
to working for Jim DeMint in law school
(RTP: Hm-m-m. DeMint lives in DC and you were in law school at Vanderbilt. That must have been a hell of a commute. Oh, wait. You must be referring to how you were a summer intern for DeMint. One of the RTP crew has a daughter who just finished an internship in DC. Lot’s of drinking and partying, but that hardly qualifies her to run for Congress.)
to now running for Congress. And there’s plenty of room to the right of a guy who voted for $700 billion in food stamps AND to continue the program that financed the President’s green energy boondoggle Solyndra AND the Export-Import Bank AND any number of other things. The truth is: DesJarlais has been a conservative only when it’s been convenient.
(RTP: A quick poll, Grant old boy, will reveal that while those issues may be at the top of your list, the people of the 4th district are more concerned about working two jobs, illegal immigrants and debacles like Obamacare. We already know who DesJarlais is, but so far we still haven’t learned jack squat about who you are. Except that you had a high school newsletter.)
In short: I appreciate your giving me a chance.
(RTP: Why do you imply RTP is only one person? And we are not in any position to “give” you anything. You have to earn that on your own, dude. Or get your parents to buy it for you.)
I confess I had to google what “brie” was.
(RTP: Oh, puh-leeze. Pacific Palisades is practically the “Brie Capital of the world.” That’s like growing up in Tennessee and not knowing what “moonshine” was. Hint: it’s corn liquor brewed in a still.)
If ever you make it down to Murfreesboro,
(RTP: Why do you assume that all of us would have to come “down” to Murfreesboro? Do you think we all live in Nashville or Williamson County – where you lived in a gated community until just a couple of months ago?)
I’ll happily treat you to a pork sandwich at the Slick Pig.
— Grant Starrett
(RTP: Finally – a clue to “Who the heck is Grant Starrett.” You like pork, but all that tells us is you are probably not an Orthodox Jew. Or a Muslim. Besides, our favorite joint is Busters.)
In conclusion, RTP hopes Grant has learned that most basic political adage: “Don’t touch a hot stove.” And don’t try to out-snark Rocky Top Politics.