We have all heard about “Race To The Top.” Now comes the “Race To The Bottom.”
What did they put in the drinking water down in Williamson County?
If other readers around the state wonder why RTP sometimes writes about Williamson County education issues it’s because two of RTP’s crew members have kids in Williamson County Schools. That, and we found out about this issue late on Friday while we were sitting in a bar and well into our third beer trying to convince each other UT could beat Georgia. (Editor’s note: They didn’t.)
So we get this email, telling us there is a real snit-fit going on between the newly-elected chairman of the Williamson County school board, “Butt-boy” Mark Gregory, and the guy he defeated for chairman, “Bellyaching” Bob Hullet. We figured what the hell — this calls for some drunk-blogging on our part.
The Tennessean has breathlessly reported that Chairman Gregory is the proud inventor of an essential piece of bar ware called “The Buttle Opener” (see the photo below):
Classy, huh? We swear to God we are not making this up. As this embarrassing revelation was roiling the bluebloods of Brentwood, the Tennessean followed up with another article saying Gregory was late in paying some of his taxes (Egads! Get a rope and let’s hang the bastard!). No one who knows any overworked reporters believes the Tennessean dug up all this info on their own. Nah, someone was feeding them the negative information on “Butt-boy” Gregory. And many believe the chief leaker was “Bellyaching Bob Hullett.” It’s a pretty safe guess, since just before the chairman’s vote, Belly-aching Bob circulated photos of the Buttle Opener to fellow board members. (No word on whether any female members of the board were offended enough to file sexual harassment charges against Hullet, who obviously has some sort of obsession with women’s derrieres.)
For those not familiar, Bob is known around Williamson as a “minor threat for every major position” that opens up on the political scene. Folks have heard him brag he is going to replace Rep. Charles “Last Term” Sargent in the state legislature. Does Sargent know about this? Bob better be careful or ol’ Charlie will sic Mary Kate Brown on him.
Bellyaching Bob sent out a long email a few days ago, whining about Gregory and defending Common Core (bet Bob wishes he had held that email until after the Vandy Teachers Survey results were out). He took a particularly petty shot at Butt Boy for his over-use of the word “I” in an email that he sent out after being elected Chairman. What made that funny was if you stayed awake through the entire boring email, down at the bottom Bob offered up his curricula vitae and used the word “I,” “me” or “my” nine times in two short paragraphs.
And now we learn that Bob has called a “concerned parents” rump meeting (synonym gratuitously intended) for Monday night in Brentwood. Free beer is provided. However, it will be imported beer (this is Brentwood, after all) so none of the bottles will have twist off caps. Butt we are confident Bob can come up with a creative solution (see photo above).
Maybe Gregory can clear this all up and come out with a MALE version of the Buttle Opener and use the proceeds to pay his taxes. Hullet can serve as Gregory’s model for the prototype (bend over, Bob).
The bottom line (or the “butt-line,” if you are still paying attention at this point) is this. Neither one of these yahoos needs to be school board chairman and the board would be well advised to go back to the drawing board and at least find someone who wasn’t a stripper or a drunk in a previous life. Considering all the trophy wives and well-stocked bars in Brentwood, that might be a difficult task.
[Editors’ notes: If any other school board out there has an entertaining story, please send your entries to the patented Rocky Top Tip Line (firstname.lastname@example.org). The Buttle Opener is pretty stiff competition, though. Maybe if you’ve got photos of Chuck Cagle wearing a French maid’s outfit. Yeah, that would definitely make the cut….]